I have huge breasts and I'm not ashamed.

Its not a lie. My struggle with my breasts started in second grade. Boys didn't tease me. No one did. No one has ever wished to have my breasts. I am 22 years old. I am a 38 DD. A year ago I was an E cup. I have large breasts and and larges eyes...think Betty Boop. But I'm not a  huge girl. I wear  a size 12. But when I want to buy a bra...I have to order them online, because Victoria's Secret only keep black and white bras in the store. And you can't use those neat 10% off coupons they send you in the mail online. So I always pay full price for my bras. But that's okay. I always said "As long as it fits well and its flattering, then its worth it". But this summer I'm taking  my second trip to Virginia to visit my boyfriend. I don't want another ill-fitting Old Navy swim suit. You know what I'm talking about. You buy an XL top because if you get a large you'll be arrested for public indecency. But then the second the suit it wet, the fabric stretches...and so begins your day of re-tying, tugging, pulling, and re-adjusting. I want to water ski, but what if I should fall...the top will slid for sure. Water slides are always miserable. So I think "I'll go to Victoria's Secret! They have my bras why wouldn't they have my bikini?!" Much to my surprise, the only option I have is a black one piece (also available in Navy). WHAT THE FUCK?! I am not a 40 year old soccer mom taking a van full of kids to the pool! (No offense Momma, I love you).  I am a 22 year old, pink and sparkle loving college student that wants to go to the goddamn beach! I don't understand why Victoria's Secret can make a bikini that will give cleavage to a 10 year old boy, but they can't make a cute bathing suit for a naturally large chested woman. Get it together guys.

(PS- Just a side note...if you need a push up bathing suit you should probably just spring for the boob job. Just saying. )

The Queen of the Wild Things.

My mother. As they say in the south, "Bless her Heart". Having recently moved back home, I have becoming painfully aware that she is in fact, bat-shit crazy. Absolutely fucking nuts. Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of Jersey Shore, but this woman was so sad when Snooki took one in the face that she CRIED. Who cries over, not one, but two episodes of Jersey Shore? My mother. Not only does she adore Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi, she would love nothing more than a date with Russell Brand. I was so excited when she told me that she had changed her ring tone. But that soaring feeling of elation was soon destroyed when I learned that The Beastie Boys' "So What Cha Want" was replaced by Katy Perry's "California Gurls". Really mom? You're in your 60s. I think I would have a heart attack if I were to walk in and find her watching Date Line and eating soup. No she just watches the Soup and sets my friends up on dates. Like some sort of elderly match maker. This isn't healthy. It isn't normal. And I'm becoming increasing concerned.